I feel like I had a really bad day. I honestly have no idea why, but it feels like the day was so slow and painful. Like all day, I felt like shit, and just wanted to go home.
I have been going to the mailbox before work because I won't be home till 10 and I'm tired as fuck then and I probably want to put all that extra effort to go to it. So as usual, I opened it today, and I received a letter from the U of A saying I have been conditionally accepted to the faculty. I was so excited when I got the email saying I was accepted but I didn't know it was conditional. So that actually kind of ruined my day. Even though I knew that I'll be on probation, but just seeing that letter made me feel pretty bad, because it said that if I don't get the GPA of 2.0 next year, I can't go to the U of A anymore. I'm not saying that I can't do it, but if someone or something just brings it up and talk about it, then I'll get more nervous. That's one of the reasons why I don't ever talk about school. People talk about the mistakes they made in their days, and how it took them forever to recover that and all that shit, and they scare the fuck out of me. Why are you doing that to me?! I'm already stressed out about it. I have been ever since high school, and they are making it worse. So ya, I started off with a pretty bad news, although it's actually a good news.
The work wasn't all that bad. Today was my first day out on the field alone, with no one shadowing me, and to be honest, I was pretty confident. I know I don't have any experience with sales but I was still fairly confident. Unfortunately, being confident did not help much. I didn't make any sales. But on the positive side, I got 5 callbacks. My manager wasn't too excited that I didn't make any sales, but he was satisfied with my performance. I mean, getting 5 callbacks on my first time, I'd say it's pretty good as well. My manager told me that I would have to improve on closing the sale, and I agree with that. I just don't want to do something that other people don't want. I don't want them to call me later and bitch at me because something happened and they weren't expecting. Now that I think about it, I shouldn't have to worry about that anymore. I just thought of something great for closing so I think I'll try that tomorrow and see where that goes. Who knows, maybe I'll get tons of sales.
There is indeed something I do not like about job. I guess there is always something you don't like about your job. I mean, I loved working at the hockey rink, I miss working there so much right now, but sometimes I hated what certain people was doing and it really got on my nerve, but I mean, that's part of the job. For this one, to me, money is not really the issue. I will get paid $500 for my first paycheque, which isn't bad at all, but I just hate how some people react when they see sales agent like myself. Honestly, I'm not a big fan of door to door salesmen either, but still, I at least listen to them even though I know I'll say no to them. Another thing that I don't like about it is that I can clearly see people inside the house, but they don't ever answer the door. How can people be so rude? I thought I'd be used to this kind of stuff by now, but I guess not.
For the last couple days, I got to work with someone beside me, and vice versa, but this time, nope. I was pretty much alone the whole time. I do not like that at all. Especially when someone shuts the door on you, you obviously want to bitch about it, like how those people are being a dick and all, but there's no one to talk to. I was told by Cary and Matt that they all usually stay pretty close, like across the street kind of thing, and I hope I get to do that. Soon. I can't stand doing this kind of thing by myself.
I think I really have to get rid of this girl problem of mine. It happens every fucking year. I'd always have a huge crush on someone, and I'd try to ask them out, and I don't do anything about it. In grade 10, it was Antonia, who was my best friend back then, but I couldn't ask her out, because I didn't do anything about it and we eventually just entered the friend zone. In grade 11 and 12, it was Rachel, who was in my French 30 class. She was actually a year older than me, actually that's not true, she was one grade above me, and we used to be partners for pretty much every single French project we did. Since then, I had a big crush on her, and I really tried to hang out with her. A lot. We'd make plans but for some reason, something always happened to her so we never actually hung out for the longest time. I'm pretty sure she just made dumb excuses to not hang out with me, but anyways. So ya, after a year of trying, we finally hung out. I had a lot of fun. It was on New Year so I had a really good start to the year of 2010. Then about 3 months later, we hung out again and I knew that that may be the last time I'll see her so I planned to ask her out. Guess what, nope. Nothing happened. I got scared. I think back, and I should've done it, because I never saw her since, or even talked to her. So I just wasted 1 and a half years liking this girl but got nothing back. Then I graduated from high school, and went to U of A. I met these two girls at the orientation, and I really liked this one girl. She was in my group for the orientation and we talked a lot. I remember, at the end of the second night of the orientation, we traded each other's number. We hung out few times. We went to the West Ed one time, it wasn't great, but it was better than nothing, right? Then we just had coffee on campus few times. Again, I tried to ask her out, then it never happened, and I never ever talked to her since.
I'd say this year, well it's over now so I guess it's last year, was probably the worst one. I started working at the hockey rink, and at that moment, I was really surprised, because there was a lot of girls. So that was one of the reasons why I loved working there. Loving hockey was the main reason, but that was good too. There was this girl named Nicole, and I worked with her on my first shift. We actually talked at the job meeting and at that moment, I knew we'd be pretty good friends. I don't know why, but I just got that feeling. So ya, I worked with her on my first shift, and I had a lot of fun talking to her. She was funny, nice, down to earth kind of girl. Exactly the type of girl I like. So I ended up really liking her, but then turned out, she played baseball for Team Canada, and I thought that was too much for me. I mean, it'd be awesome going around telling everyone that, 'ya, I'm dating a baseball player who plays for Canada,' but it was too much. I did hang out with her a couple times though. We went and watched a movie, we watched Paranormal Activity 2 which was a frigging awesome movie. I loved it. So that went pretty well, then after the Fall term, we played shinny hockey together. I absolutely loved it. I always wanted to play a sport that I love with a girl, and that was exactly what I wanted. That went pretty well I'd say, it was a pretty long day though. We went to 2 different rinks, we went to Shayne's house in between, because the hockey game was on, then after playing hockey for hours, we went for dinner. So it wasn't bad at all, but for some reason, I just never talked to her since. I honestly do not know why I don't talk to her anymore. Then there's Jen. She was a tough one. After working together for a while, we became a pretty close friend. But there was something about her that I didn't really like, but I knew it could've effected on a relationship if I were to date her. So I changed my mind a lot about her. Some days, I'd want to date her, but some day I wouldn't. I was pretty conflicted back then, but ever since she stayed at my house for few days that time, I was really glad that I didn't ask her out. I don't think she was going to say yes anyway, it seemed like she just used me for her own good, but I don't even care anymore. I'm glad that's done.
Now that I think back, I honestly don't think I wanted to have a relationship with them. Antonia was pretty much a whore who fucks every guys she likes. She was pretty hot though. I just loved her boobs and that's pretty much what I wanted. Rachel was also a really good liking girl, not to mention, she was a really nice girl, but she was always tired for some reason, and you know how difficult it is to have a conversation with some who is tired as fuck, ya it don't work well. Oh and she was vegetarian. That's a problem when you try to take them out for dinner. I would not want to know where to go. Carla, the girl I met at the orientation, she was just weird. That's all I'm going to say. Nicole, I would've felt bad for her if I dated her. Jen, she was weird as well, but she was pretty hot. I realized I didn't want her brain, I wanted her pussy.
The way I feel about Jessica right now is completely different from how I felt about those girls. She is just the girl I always wanted to have as my girlfriend. Whenever I'm with her, I get this feeling, I can't even describe it, but it is fucking amazing. I feel like I finally found the real definition of 'love.' I want to have a relationship with her. I don't want to have sex with her, at least not yet, I want a relationship. And I hope I can make that happen soon. If not, well I got to learn how to forget and move on. This whole girl situation has been really affecting my life and I don't want it anymore. So if I don't see her this weekend, I guess it's telling me that I'm not meant to be with her. I'll move on.
Do, or do not. There is no try.
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