FML

   I feel like I'm hated by everyone around me. This whole weekend, my friends wouldn't answer my texts or even bother to answer my call. None of them would ask me to hang out at all. Where are all my friends? Where did they go?

Luck Was On My Side This Time

   I really got lucky this week. As you know, I had 2 classes this semester and I was failing in both of them but turned out, last wednesday was the deadline to drop courses. I know I'd be wasting $1000 but I figured, if I ever decide to come back to this school at one point in the future, it's better to have W on the transcript than a couple F's. So when I think about that, I think I made the wise decision. Well done, sir.

   Maybe school just isn't for me. Ya, I had some legit reasons for me, but when I bitch about it to people, it just sounds like another dumb excuse to them, and even to me. I don't know why I can't commit myself to school and actually bust my ass and try my best. I just can't seem to do that. It's nothing to do with peer pressure and all that, I just can't do it.

   I'm actually thinking about taking the rest of the year off and another one off. Make some money, travel a little bit and whatnot. Maybe that'll help me. I don't know we will see I guess.

True Friend

   I just remembered, when I was working at AMJ on saturday, while we were waiting for the Scotia Place's loading dock to open up, my coworker, Gerald, gave us a really good speech/story about how true friends are supposed to be like. I love talking to Gerald, he always tells me good stories and speeches about life and I'm always amazed how he comes up with new stories every time. It also amuses me too.

   Gerald is a former fisherman back in Nova Scotia, and of course he's stories always starts with 'when I was on a fishing boat back in Nova Scotia...' It's quite entertaining. Anyways, he told me, it's really hard for him to be friends with his coworkers, mostly because, well they are his coworkers not someone you hang out with and when he went on a new fishing boat with different crews, he had to use a knife to do something, I can't remember what it was, but his pocket knife was really dull. Then his coworker comes up to him and said 'Use mine for now, I'll go sharpen yours for you. Until then, that's yours.' Now, the message here is that someone gave up their tool to Gerald and took his own time to do something for Gerald. It doesn't sound much at all, but the fact that they are doing something for their friends and desire absolutely nothing in return, that shows the true friendship right there. If you do something for others and wants something in return about twice as much, that's not what friends do.

   As soon as he told me that story, it was a lot better when he said it, this is just like a condensed version of his story, but it reminded me of what Sam has been doing for me lately. I asked her why she did all that for me, and she said she believes in good karma. She also told me, she didn't do that much for me and it's not necessary for me to pay her back in the future. She may think it wasn't much, but to me, even if it wasn't much, just like Gerald's coworker, she took her own time and spent a lot of her own money to make my life better. Regardless of how big or small she thought it was, I'm still very grateful for what she's done for me. She never asked for anything in return, but I sure will do something that big for her one day. That's a perfect definition of friendship. I was fool to not see that and wanting to date her. I'm lucky enough to have a friend like her. I'm even lucky to know her.

What a Way to Start the Week Off

   I definitely saw it coming, just like I predicted. Sam and I will be friends from now on, with absolutely no possibility of dating each other in the future. It was pretty heartbreaking, but like I said, I knew this was going to happen considering what we've been through in last month or so. 

   The talk was fairly simple. Nice and brief. She talked about few things about the guy she was seeing and whatnot, and I figured that was the perfect opportunity to talk about what I wanted to tell her. I actually prepared for this whole speech thing with everything I wanted to tell her, but I ended up getting to the point in exactly 9 words. 'Would you still consider dating me in the future?' And just as I expected, she said no. See, things between Sam and I have become very complicated. When I moved out, I've been living at her place for few weeks and I guess that changed everything. So maybe it's a good thing that we are not dating, although I'd still like to. 

   I took me a lot of guts to actually ask her that, even though I'm not asking her out directly and it kind of sends her the message that I'm still interested in dating her. I am actually glad I asked her because now I know where we stand right now. It's better to know even though it hurts than wondering forever what the answer would've been. 

   So, another rejection. My love life has never seen a happy ending. And I was hoping Sam was the one for me but things happen and once again, I got to forget about it and move on and keep telling myself that there's a lot more girls out there.

   I did have a lot of fun with Sam though, and made some good memories. I just hope that nothing changes now that I asked her that because she still is a very good friend of mine and I would hate to see myself losing her because of that. 

   How about some beers tonight? I think that's a good idea. I got about 2/3 of 24 pack I bought on the weekend still sitting in my room. Why not?

   PS. I won the bet. I win $5. Yay.

1 is a Lonely Number

   A very unproductive and sad weekend it was. I absolutely did nothing on friday other than picking up my paycheque from AMJ and went to West Edmonton Mall to buy some games. I just felt lazy all day on friday. 

   Saturday wasn't too bad. Started off with the day pretty bad though by going to work late. My alarm went off at 6:30am then I decided to sleep extra half an hour but then when I woke up it was 7:40am. My shift was supposed to start at 8am. I went out to my car and my windshield was all frozen so I had to sit there for another 10 minutes to warm my car up and defrost my windshield. I was only 15 mins late and nobody was mad at me so all was good. Our job was a really short one so it only took us 6 hours to finish the job. I was happy about that but wasn't so happy about it at the same time because of money. I got home around 4, made supper, then gamed all night. I did want to go out and drink but I couldn't think of anyone that might want to come with me so I decided to get myself a 24 pack and drink at home. I drank 4 last night.

   Today wasn't much better either. I woke up at about 2pm, went to the hockey rink to hang up the jerseys, then skated around for about an hour and I've been home ever since, gaming and eating. Well, at least it was better than saturday and friday since I actually went out and did something.

   I definitely could've asked Sam to hang out with me this weekend, but for some reason, I have a really hard time asking her to hang out now. I just feel bad afterward I don't know why. Or I could've asked Jessica to hang out with me but she's semi sick right now and I know she doesn't go out when she's sick so there's no point in trying. I really wish I had friends who lives close to me right now. I don't want to drive all the way to Sherwood Park to hang out with someone. I would if I had enough gas money but I don't so I can't.

   Well, I did get some good news from Sam though, well good for me at least. It seems like she's almost made her mind about Travis. Honestly, I really don't want her to date this guy just because I'm super jealous, but deep down, I'd totally be okay with that if that's what she wants to do. This is perfect. I actually made a little bet with Shay, the girl I work with at the hockey rink, that if I don't talk to Sam/ask her out by the 8th of November, I'd lose $5 and vice versa. 8th is Tuesday and I'll be seeing her tomorrow, which is monday so all I got to do is man up and talk to her NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. If I don't see her tomorrow, then I'm going to phone her. I really want to get this over with. I've already been dragging this for too long.

   I have a feeling that I'll be heartbroken once again. At least I'll win $5, right? But is that worth it? Probably not.

Love Story

   I just watched a movie called The Secondhand Lions tonight. It was one of the movies Sam lent me to watch and since I had a day off from work tonight, I thought I'd watch it. It was a one good damn movie. I loved it. See, when you look at its cover, it's really not one of those movies that grabs your attention and say, wow that looks like a really good movie, but it really was a really good film.

    Now, I couldn't help but notice, why is it that there's always some sort of love stories in every movies? You know, normally I'd be okay with it, in fact I know it kind of sounds gay but I love movies with love stories, especially chick flicks. I enjoy watching them quite a lot actually. The love story in this one was fairly minor I found, but I just could not stand it. I guess I'm living without my family now and me falling for Sam has a lot to do with it. 

   I look back in the past, and I truly have been heartbroken so many times. There would be a girl I really like every year, and I fall for them and when I do ask them out or try to go further than just friendship, I get totally rejected, and when I don't go for any of that, I beat myself up for not trying, or get scared of rejection. My love life has never reached a happy ending so far in 20 years of my life. Sam definitely is the closest one I should say. And yet, we are still friends. 

    Sam definitely is one of the closest female friend I have at the moment and I really wish I could date her right now. I really do. I realized I'm the happiest when I'm with her. That means something, right? Yet again, I am very scared to ask her out or even tell her how I feel about her because I am very scared of getting rejected, and I really do not want to lose her as my friend. Should I risk that and ask her? Or just stay as a friend? If I choose to just stay as friends, then I know for sure that I'll beat myself up for not doing anything about it. I am already getting there. As of right now, I am still going to tell her how I feel about her even though there's a really good chance that she will break my heart. But then again, you'd never know unless you try. Maybe good things will happen and there could be a happy ending to my little love life. 

   Actually, I have been trying to tell her for weeks now and I keep making excuses and don't do anything about it. It's probably not the first time you've read about this on my blog. With the situation like this, I really have nothing else to lose. Now let's actually man up and get this over with.

Dropping Out Of the Race

   Not surprisingly, I have done very poorly on my latest 2 midterms. The 2 courses I'm taking right now should've been a GPA booster but it seems like that won't be the case anymore. I have thought about this for a while now and I think it's time to drop out of university and take a year or two off. 

   What happened? I was so motivated and pumped up for this year during the summer but it seems like all the unfortunate events has happened to me at the wrong time. First of all, having my grandma passing away a week before school started and at the end of our Europe trip definitely did not help. I have never had anyone passing away in my life before so it was my first time experiencing a death in our family. It was very overwhelming. Unpleasant as well. So that's how I started my school this year. Not a very good start. Then everything just started going downhill after that. The conflict with me and my mom has gotten worse and we both got tired of each other so I got kicked out/moved out of my house. It also happened at they wrong time of the semester because that when all the midterms were going on. Without my own place and my own transportation, it was very difficult for me to study. In the end, here I am with 2 classes this semester, failing both of them. 

   It sounds like a one huge excuse for not doing well in school, but it really isn't. If you were in my shoes, you'd totally understand. Especially now that I don't even have enough money for next semester, I think my best option is to take the rest of the year off, at least, then think carefully what I want to do in next september. If I continue on and still do bad, there will be no post secondary education for me. I ain't working at AMJ forever. I should be able to do better than that.

   I finally get a day off from working tonight. Yes, I have been working every day since sunday. Well, sunday and tuesday were training days but I got paid for that so technically I did work. Well, at least I have decent jobs that will keep me alive, right? I think I'm going to spend the night with some movies that Sam lent me earlier this week. Or, I asked Jessica if she wanted to hang out tonight after her work so we will see what she says about that.

    My life seems like it's going nowhere.

+/-

   It seems like it's only been a week since I moved out, but it's actually almost been a month already, and yet, I'm don't feel different, or even changed anything about myself or my life at all. Although, there's been a lot of ups and downs to this though. 

   Positive: I'm actually enjoying my life quite a lot right now. I don't have to deal with all the drama with my family, I get to sleep in, and stay up late and no one would give a shit about it, I can eat whatever I want, I can do whatever I want, and I can go out whenever I want. I actually feel great, well mentally, because I didn't think I could live on my own, but turned out, I can actually cook meals, not very good but it's good enough for me, and do the laundry on time, and mostly, I have job that keeps me alive. I'm pretty proud of myself for that. I do need to work on few stuff though. But it's going good so far. I'm enjoying it.

   Negative: Because I stay up so late, I have hard time waking up in the morning. Usually when it gets cold out, I hate getting up in the morning or even get out of my bed, but it seems like it's getting worse. I missed few classes already and even missed one or two of my shifts too. It's really not a good habit. Also, I'm new to this whole moving out/living alone thing so I'm still not really used to it, especially with feeding myself. I didn't know how to cook at all, or even done a grocery shopping. Thankfully Sam has been helping me out with that but I really wish I knew how to cook and shop. It would've been a lot easier. I didn't realize living alone can get very lonely. All my friends are living in Sherwood Park right now and I really don't  feel like driving all the way down there to see them for a couple hours. Every once a while, I miss my family a little bit even though we don't get along very well, but they are still my family. I just hope that they know the real reason why I did this. 

   It seems like I have more negative things to talk about rather than positive things. Like I mentioned I'm still trying to get used to this whole thing so I think I might need more time to adjust. They were right. This isn't easy, but I'm taking it as a challenge.

   Oh, apparently I got a red light ticket in the mail. WTF!!! I don't ever run a red light. I got a copy of it and I looked at it and it was such a bullshit. I was making a right turn! It doesn't even make sense. I'm a little upset about that but I'll try to come up with something so I can fight it. Who gets a frigging red light ticket making a right turn?! This town is fucked up, sir.

   I've been working quite a lot lately too. This is my 3rd shift already this week. Well, 2 to be exact. I had to come here to train a new employee for about an hour and I got paid for that so I guess I did work. I have to work again tomorrow, and I'm thinking on friday as well at AMJ, and then back at AMJ on saturday for sure. I've been thinking, maybe on my fall break, I should work seeing that I have nothing better to do and need money. I think that's a good idea.