Shifting Gears

From now on, I will no longer do something nice for someone. I'm tired of people using me, or doesn't appreciate me, or respect me. I do things for others because I have a good heart and I want to build up a good reputation but all I get is the feeling that they are all taking an advantage of me. I don't expect them to do the same for me in return, all I want is a little bit of respect and appreciation and they can't even to that for me. I'm not going to turn into a huge asshole though, but I'm not going to do things for someone anymore. I'm sick and tired of this bullshit.

Welcome Back

   I totally forgot that I even had a blog for a while. I was going to post one after I came back from Lloydminster for work, I'll talk about that later, but then I never got to finish it up so I never ended up posting it. There's been a lot of ups and downs since my last post, as usual, but lately, there's been a lot of 'downs.' Mostly, there's been a lot of drama going on in my life, not really surprised by that, then I had few problems at work, especially at Lloydminster.

   On my last post, I talked about how I couldn't be friends with Sam anymore, and that really didn't last long at all. Earlier this month, I started to really miss hanging out with her, even talking to her so I phoned her and I was actually pretty surprised that she even answered my phone call. I thought she'd still be mad at me, but she wasn't. Anyways, things are going pretty good between me and her. Well, I am still not too happy about her being in a relationship obviously, but being jealous won't get me anywhere. Plus, she's happy and as long as she stays that way, then I'm happy.

   I went on a couple road trips for work recently; one was to Fort MacMurray, and the other one was to Lloydminster. Fort Mac was awesome. The job was great, and we had some fun. Driving back wasn't so fun but I definitely enjoyed it. Lloydminster was a totally different story though. I wasn't in the greatest mood during the trip, I won't say why because it might create more drama and I had enough of that already. I was really upset so I ended up getting hammered that night. I actually had to work the next day but I really didn't care. That's how mad I was. Oh and I was still drunk in the morning. That's how much I drank that night. Not good. The second day's job didn't last that long. We expected it to last till about 7pm at least, but we were done at about 1pm.

   Now this is the best part of the trip. When you go on a highway, you see those commercial vehicle scales and there was one between here and Lloydminster. I honestly thought those scales only applied to tractor trailers, not 5 ton trucks. So I blew by the scale and next thing you know, I see the blue and red lights flashing behind me. Yes, I got pulled over in a company vehicle, not wearing my seatbelt, and I was even talking to my supervisor on the phone. Long story short, I had to go back to the scale and had to get my truck inspected which took about an hour and only got away with a seatbelt ticket. I should've got 3 tickets; fail to report to the scale, seatbelt and talking on the phone while driving. The next day I worked, everyone already knew what happened and they all told me I got really lucky, and I agree. I would've easily lost my license but I got away with 0 demerits. I still felt really bad though. It wasn't my vehicle, it was a company vehicle. Anyways, it could've been a lot worse and I definitely dodged a bullet that time.

   I was already in a bad mood that day and getting pulled over didn't help either and so did my truck. About 30 minutes after we left the scale, I looked at my oil pressure gauge and usually when you are on a highway, your oil pressure should be at about 40-60 psi, but mine was down to 25 psi. That obviously meant something. I pulled over at the first gas station I saw and shut my truck off and checked my oil and just as I guessed, the dipstick was bone dry. Well that's just great. I was 2 hours away from home and I wasn't even sure if my truck was going to make it there. After about an hour and a half, we put some oil in it and got back on the road. I kept my eyes on the oil pressure gauge and not surprisingly it was still going down like crazy. We did make it to Edmonton, but when we arrived at our shop, the oil pressure at idle, which is supposed to be like 25 psi, it was down to about 10 psi. I was very upset that everything that could go wrong went wrong but I was also glad that I brought the truck back with no serious damage. It could've been a lot worse. That, by far, I'd say was the worse day I've ever had at AMJ Campbell.

   Things went fine after that day. I've been in a good mood for few days but then like I mentioned, I had to deal with some drama. I won't really get into that because I don't want any more drama. I don't need another one. But I'll say this though. I realized who my real friends are recently. Real friends don't pretend like they like you and then backstab you. Real friends respect you and appreciate you when you do something nice for them. Real friends are always there for you when you need them. Jessica and Sam are my true friends. I've been hanging out with Jessica a lot lately, mostly because I've been dealing with a lot of BS lately and I really needed to talk to someone about it, and she was always there for me, and helped me out a lot, and I don't know, she just makes me feel better every time I hang out with her. I don't really see Sam that often but we do talk on the phone a lot and we talk about each other problems, and that's still good enough for me. They say friends come and go but I really really do not want to lose Jessica and Sam. I already lost Sam once, and I almost lost Jessica, and I really don't want it to happen again. I'm really not the greatest friend in the world, but I'm glad that they are still my friends and I thank them for that. I don't know what I'd do without them.

Time For Another Change in My Life??

   Ever since I moved back in with my parents, things have changed quite a bit. I'm getting along with my parents even more, and I've been working quite a lot, and started to make more friends, especially from work. But on the negative side, I really didn't and still don't really get to see my old friends, which is quite unfortunate. But overall, life has been pretty good. I can say I've been pretty happy, until now.

   I haven't really seen or talk to Sam lately. I see her about every 2 weeks, and I rarely text her now so I really don't got a clue what she's been up to lately. Anyways, I was on Facebook few days ago, and I found out that she's now dating this guy. I knew she was seeing this guy but I honestly didn't think she was going to start dating her. I may have overreacted to that a little bit, but I was very upset and definitely was not too happy about that, and here's why.

   There was one time when I went to the bar with her on one of my days off, and we had a little talk. She told me that she still kind of likes me but she said we could never start a relationship because of what we've been through when I moved out. I didn't really care when she told me that at the time, but now that I think about it, I wonder, what exactly changed? Yes, we lived together for how many weeks but just like she said, we still never really got to see each other. I was with her mom more than her. I honestly have no idea what changed and why that stopped us from starting a relationship. After that day, I didn't really talk to her mostly because work got really busy then she texted me one night and started talking about how she's been seeing this guy how many times that week and whatnot. I still have feelings for her and obviously that made me a little upset and I guess she kind of got that from my texts. Then out of nowhere, she told me that she misses me. And of course I had to tell her that I miss her too and I really did. So up till then, there were a lot of questions that needed to be answered but I was too busy with work to actually care about it. Oh by the way, I ended up getting 125 hrs in 2 weeks at that time. Pretty impressive hey? My paycheque looked amazing.

   I ended up with 2 tickets to one of the World Juniors hockey game few days before Christmas and I decided to take Sam to the game with me. And of course I had to ask her about the guy she was seeing. She told me she's not really sure if she wants to date him or not. I can't remember why I kind of stopped listening after that.

   New Year's Eve, I went to the bar with her and her friend that night, and she asked me if I'm planning on moving out again any time soon because she's thinking about moving out and she wanted me as her roommate. I didn't know what to say so I think I said yes at the time. If she asks me again, I doubt that she will but if she does, my answer would have to be no this time.

   So this is what's been going on between me and her lately. It's really not that much actually. From all this though, it seemed like she was still kind of interested in me and would maybe consider starting a relationship with me, but seeing that she's already dating someone, I guess I was wrong. What makes me really upset the most is that back in summer when we were still seeing each other, she didn't want to date me at the time because it takes her a long time to get comfortable with a guy and all that, but she's only been seeing this guy for not even a month, and they are already dating? It doesn't make any sense. Was that all lies then? Do you think maybe she said all that to me because she didn't want to date me but didn't want to tell me that at the time? I don't know. Do you think she misled me by telling me all that stuff lately? I think so. I am very hurt by that. I really am.

   I don't know if I'll ever be friends with her from now on. I really don't think I can. Every time I come home after I see her, I'm always depressed, sad and upset because I still have feelings for her and I know that we can never start a relationship, but now, whenever I see her, she'll be with her new boyfriend and they'll be holding hands, hugging and making out in front of me and how do you think that'll make me feel? She's been a very good friend to me but I'm afraid this is end of our friendship...

FML

   I feel like I'm hated by everyone around me. This whole weekend, my friends wouldn't answer my texts or even bother to answer my call. None of them would ask me to hang out at all. Where are all my friends? Where did they go?

Luck Was On My Side This Time

   I really got lucky this week. As you know, I had 2 classes this semester and I was failing in both of them but turned out, last wednesday was the deadline to drop courses. I know I'd be wasting $1000 but I figured, if I ever decide to come back to this school at one point in the future, it's better to have W on the transcript than a couple F's. So when I think about that, I think I made the wise decision. Well done, sir.

   Maybe school just isn't for me. Ya, I had some legit reasons for me, but when I bitch about it to people, it just sounds like another dumb excuse to them, and even to me. I don't know why I can't commit myself to school and actually bust my ass and try my best. I just can't seem to do that. It's nothing to do with peer pressure and all that, I just can't do it.

   I'm actually thinking about taking the rest of the year off and another one off. Make some money, travel a little bit and whatnot. Maybe that'll help me. I don't know we will see I guess.

True Friend

   I just remembered, when I was working at AMJ on saturday, while we were waiting for the Scotia Place's loading dock to open up, my coworker, Gerald, gave us a really good speech/story about how true friends are supposed to be like. I love talking to Gerald, he always tells me good stories and speeches about life and I'm always amazed how he comes up with new stories every time. It also amuses me too.

   Gerald is a former fisherman back in Nova Scotia, and of course he's stories always starts with 'when I was on a fishing boat back in Nova Scotia...' It's quite entertaining. Anyways, he told me, it's really hard for him to be friends with his coworkers, mostly because, well they are his coworkers not someone you hang out with and when he went on a new fishing boat with different crews, he had to use a knife to do something, I can't remember what it was, but his pocket knife was really dull. Then his coworker comes up to him and said 'Use mine for now, I'll go sharpen yours for you. Until then, that's yours.' Now, the message here is that someone gave up their tool to Gerald and took his own time to do something for Gerald. It doesn't sound much at all, but the fact that they are doing something for their friends and desire absolutely nothing in return, that shows the true friendship right there. If you do something for others and wants something in return about twice as much, that's not what friends do.

   As soon as he told me that story, it was a lot better when he said it, this is just like a condensed version of his story, but it reminded me of what Sam has been doing for me lately. I asked her why she did all that for me, and she said she believes in good karma. She also told me, she didn't do that much for me and it's not necessary for me to pay her back in the future. She may think it wasn't much, but to me, even if it wasn't much, just like Gerald's coworker, she took her own time and spent a lot of her own money to make my life better. Regardless of how big or small she thought it was, I'm still very grateful for what she's done for me. She never asked for anything in return, but I sure will do something that big for her one day. That's a perfect definition of friendship. I was fool to not see that and wanting to date her. I'm lucky enough to have a friend like her. I'm even lucky to know her.

What a Way to Start the Week Off

   I definitely saw it coming, just like I predicted. Sam and I will be friends from now on, with absolutely no possibility of dating each other in the future. It was pretty heartbreaking, but like I said, I knew this was going to happen considering what we've been through in last month or so. 

   The talk was fairly simple. Nice and brief. She talked about few things about the guy she was seeing and whatnot, and I figured that was the perfect opportunity to talk about what I wanted to tell her. I actually prepared for this whole speech thing with everything I wanted to tell her, but I ended up getting to the point in exactly 9 words. 'Would you still consider dating me in the future?' And just as I expected, she said no. See, things between Sam and I have become very complicated. When I moved out, I've been living at her place for few weeks and I guess that changed everything. So maybe it's a good thing that we are not dating, although I'd still like to. 

   I took me a lot of guts to actually ask her that, even though I'm not asking her out directly and it kind of sends her the message that I'm still interested in dating her. I am actually glad I asked her because now I know where we stand right now. It's better to know even though it hurts than wondering forever what the answer would've been. 

   So, another rejection. My love life has never seen a happy ending. And I was hoping Sam was the one for me but things happen and once again, I got to forget about it and move on and keep telling myself that there's a lot more girls out there.

   I did have a lot of fun with Sam though, and made some good memories. I just hope that nothing changes now that I asked her that because she still is a very good friend of mine and I would hate to see myself losing her because of that. 

   How about some beers tonight? I think that's a good idea. I got about 2/3 of 24 pack I bought on the weekend still sitting in my room. Why not?

   PS. I won the bet. I win $5. Yay.