Shifting Gears

From now on, I will no longer do something nice for someone. I'm tired of people using me, or doesn't appreciate me, or respect me. I do things for others because I have a good heart and I want to build up a good reputation but all I get is the feeling that they are all taking an advantage of me. I don't expect them to do the same for me in return, all I want is a little bit of respect and appreciation and they can't even to that for me. I'm not going to turn into a huge asshole though, but I'm not going to do things for someone anymore. I'm sick and tired of this bullshit.

Welcome Back

   I totally forgot that I even had a blog for a while. I was going to post one after I came back from Lloydminster for work, I'll talk about that later, but then I never got to finish it up so I never ended up posting it. There's been a lot of ups and downs since my last post, as usual, but lately, there's been a lot of 'downs.' Mostly, there's been a lot of drama going on in my life, not really surprised by that, then I had few problems at work, especially at Lloydminster.

   On my last post, I talked about how I couldn't be friends with Sam anymore, and that really didn't last long at all. Earlier this month, I started to really miss hanging out with her, even talking to her so I phoned her and I was actually pretty surprised that she even answered my phone call. I thought she'd still be mad at me, but she wasn't. Anyways, things are going pretty good between me and her. Well, I am still not too happy about her being in a relationship obviously, but being jealous won't get me anywhere. Plus, she's happy and as long as she stays that way, then I'm happy.

   I went on a couple road trips for work recently; one was to Fort MacMurray, and the other one was to Lloydminster. Fort Mac was awesome. The job was great, and we had some fun. Driving back wasn't so fun but I definitely enjoyed it. Lloydminster was a totally different story though. I wasn't in the greatest mood during the trip, I won't say why because it might create more drama and I had enough of that already. I was really upset so I ended up getting hammered that night. I actually had to work the next day but I really didn't care. That's how mad I was. Oh and I was still drunk in the morning. That's how much I drank that night. Not good. The second day's job didn't last that long. We expected it to last till about 7pm at least, but we were done at about 1pm.

   Now this is the best part of the trip. When you go on a highway, you see those commercial vehicle scales and there was one between here and Lloydminster. I honestly thought those scales only applied to tractor trailers, not 5 ton trucks. So I blew by the scale and next thing you know, I see the blue and red lights flashing behind me. Yes, I got pulled over in a company vehicle, not wearing my seatbelt, and I was even talking to my supervisor on the phone. Long story short, I had to go back to the scale and had to get my truck inspected which took about an hour and only got away with a seatbelt ticket. I should've got 3 tickets; fail to report to the scale, seatbelt and talking on the phone while driving. The next day I worked, everyone already knew what happened and they all told me I got really lucky, and I agree. I would've easily lost my license but I got away with 0 demerits. I still felt really bad though. It wasn't my vehicle, it was a company vehicle. Anyways, it could've been a lot worse and I definitely dodged a bullet that time.

   I was already in a bad mood that day and getting pulled over didn't help either and so did my truck. About 30 minutes after we left the scale, I looked at my oil pressure gauge and usually when you are on a highway, your oil pressure should be at about 40-60 psi, but mine was down to 25 psi. That obviously meant something. I pulled over at the first gas station I saw and shut my truck off and checked my oil and just as I guessed, the dipstick was bone dry. Well that's just great. I was 2 hours away from home and I wasn't even sure if my truck was going to make it there. After about an hour and a half, we put some oil in it and got back on the road. I kept my eyes on the oil pressure gauge and not surprisingly it was still going down like crazy. We did make it to Edmonton, but when we arrived at our shop, the oil pressure at idle, which is supposed to be like 25 psi, it was down to about 10 psi. I was very upset that everything that could go wrong went wrong but I was also glad that I brought the truck back with no serious damage. It could've been a lot worse. That, by far, I'd say was the worse day I've ever had at AMJ Campbell.

   Things went fine after that day. I've been in a good mood for few days but then like I mentioned, I had to deal with some drama. I won't really get into that because I don't want any more drama. I don't need another one. But I'll say this though. I realized who my real friends are recently. Real friends don't pretend like they like you and then backstab you. Real friends respect you and appreciate you when you do something nice for them. Real friends are always there for you when you need them. Jessica and Sam are my true friends. I've been hanging out with Jessica a lot lately, mostly because I've been dealing with a lot of BS lately and I really needed to talk to someone about it, and she was always there for me, and helped me out a lot, and I don't know, she just makes me feel better every time I hang out with her. I don't really see Sam that often but we do talk on the phone a lot and we talk about each other problems, and that's still good enough for me. They say friends come and go but I really really do not want to lose Jessica and Sam. I already lost Sam once, and I almost lost Jessica, and I really don't want it to happen again. I'm really not the greatest friend in the world, but I'm glad that they are still my friends and I thank them for that. I don't know what I'd do without them.

Time For Another Change in My Life??

   Ever since I moved back in with my parents, things have changed quite a bit. I'm getting along with my parents even more, and I've been working quite a lot, and started to make more friends, especially from work. But on the negative side, I really didn't and still don't really get to see my old friends, which is quite unfortunate. But overall, life has been pretty good. I can say I've been pretty happy, until now.

   I haven't really seen or talk to Sam lately. I see her about every 2 weeks, and I rarely text her now so I really don't got a clue what she's been up to lately. Anyways, I was on Facebook few days ago, and I found out that she's now dating this guy. I knew she was seeing this guy but I honestly didn't think she was going to start dating her. I may have overreacted to that a little bit, but I was very upset and definitely was not too happy about that, and here's why.

   There was one time when I went to the bar with her on one of my days off, and we had a little talk. She told me that she still kind of likes me but she said we could never start a relationship because of what we've been through when I moved out. I didn't really care when she told me that at the time, but now that I think about it, I wonder, what exactly changed? Yes, we lived together for how many weeks but just like she said, we still never really got to see each other. I was with her mom more than her. I honestly have no idea what changed and why that stopped us from starting a relationship. After that day, I didn't really talk to her mostly because work got really busy then she texted me one night and started talking about how she's been seeing this guy how many times that week and whatnot. I still have feelings for her and obviously that made me a little upset and I guess she kind of got that from my texts. Then out of nowhere, she told me that she misses me. And of course I had to tell her that I miss her too and I really did. So up till then, there were a lot of questions that needed to be answered but I was too busy with work to actually care about it. Oh by the way, I ended up getting 125 hrs in 2 weeks at that time. Pretty impressive hey? My paycheque looked amazing.

   I ended up with 2 tickets to one of the World Juniors hockey game few days before Christmas and I decided to take Sam to the game with me. And of course I had to ask her about the guy she was seeing. She told me she's not really sure if she wants to date him or not. I can't remember why I kind of stopped listening after that.

   New Year's Eve, I went to the bar with her and her friend that night, and she asked me if I'm planning on moving out again any time soon because she's thinking about moving out and she wanted me as her roommate. I didn't know what to say so I think I said yes at the time. If she asks me again, I doubt that she will but if she does, my answer would have to be no this time.

   So this is what's been going on between me and her lately. It's really not that much actually. From all this though, it seemed like she was still kind of interested in me and would maybe consider starting a relationship with me, but seeing that she's already dating someone, I guess I was wrong. What makes me really upset the most is that back in summer when we were still seeing each other, she didn't want to date me at the time because it takes her a long time to get comfortable with a guy and all that, but she's only been seeing this guy for not even a month, and they are already dating? It doesn't make any sense. Was that all lies then? Do you think maybe she said all that to me because she didn't want to date me but didn't want to tell me that at the time? I don't know. Do you think she misled me by telling me all that stuff lately? I think so. I am very hurt by that. I really am.

   I don't know if I'll ever be friends with her from now on. I really don't think I can. Every time I come home after I see her, I'm always depressed, sad and upset because I still have feelings for her and I know that we can never start a relationship, but now, whenever I see her, she'll be with her new boyfriend and they'll be holding hands, hugging and making out in front of me and how do you think that'll make me feel? She's been a very good friend to me but I'm afraid this is end of our friendship...

FML

   I feel like I'm hated by everyone around me. This whole weekend, my friends wouldn't answer my texts or even bother to answer my call. None of them would ask me to hang out at all. Where are all my friends? Where did they go?

Luck Was On My Side This Time

   I really got lucky this week. As you know, I had 2 classes this semester and I was failing in both of them but turned out, last wednesday was the deadline to drop courses. I know I'd be wasting $1000 but I figured, if I ever decide to come back to this school at one point in the future, it's better to have W on the transcript than a couple F's. So when I think about that, I think I made the wise decision. Well done, sir.

   Maybe school just isn't for me. Ya, I had some legit reasons for me, but when I bitch about it to people, it just sounds like another dumb excuse to them, and even to me. I don't know why I can't commit myself to school and actually bust my ass and try my best. I just can't seem to do that. It's nothing to do with peer pressure and all that, I just can't do it.

   I'm actually thinking about taking the rest of the year off and another one off. Make some money, travel a little bit and whatnot. Maybe that'll help me. I don't know we will see I guess.

True Friend

   I just remembered, when I was working at AMJ on saturday, while we were waiting for the Scotia Place's loading dock to open up, my coworker, Gerald, gave us a really good speech/story about how true friends are supposed to be like. I love talking to Gerald, he always tells me good stories and speeches about life and I'm always amazed how he comes up with new stories every time. It also amuses me too.

   Gerald is a former fisherman back in Nova Scotia, and of course he's stories always starts with 'when I was on a fishing boat back in Nova Scotia...' It's quite entertaining. Anyways, he told me, it's really hard for him to be friends with his coworkers, mostly because, well they are his coworkers not someone you hang out with and when he went on a new fishing boat with different crews, he had to use a knife to do something, I can't remember what it was, but his pocket knife was really dull. Then his coworker comes up to him and said 'Use mine for now, I'll go sharpen yours for you. Until then, that's yours.' Now, the message here is that someone gave up their tool to Gerald and took his own time to do something for Gerald. It doesn't sound much at all, but the fact that they are doing something for their friends and desire absolutely nothing in return, that shows the true friendship right there. If you do something for others and wants something in return about twice as much, that's not what friends do.

   As soon as he told me that story, it was a lot better when he said it, this is just like a condensed version of his story, but it reminded me of what Sam has been doing for me lately. I asked her why she did all that for me, and she said she believes in good karma. She also told me, she didn't do that much for me and it's not necessary for me to pay her back in the future. She may think it wasn't much, but to me, even if it wasn't much, just like Gerald's coworker, she took her own time and spent a lot of her own money to make my life better. Regardless of how big or small she thought it was, I'm still very grateful for what she's done for me. She never asked for anything in return, but I sure will do something that big for her one day. That's a perfect definition of friendship. I was fool to not see that and wanting to date her. I'm lucky enough to have a friend like her. I'm even lucky to know her.

What a Way to Start the Week Off

   I definitely saw it coming, just like I predicted. Sam and I will be friends from now on, with absolutely no possibility of dating each other in the future. It was pretty heartbreaking, but like I said, I knew this was going to happen considering what we've been through in last month or so. 

   The talk was fairly simple. Nice and brief. She talked about few things about the guy she was seeing and whatnot, and I figured that was the perfect opportunity to talk about what I wanted to tell her. I actually prepared for this whole speech thing with everything I wanted to tell her, but I ended up getting to the point in exactly 9 words. 'Would you still consider dating me in the future?' And just as I expected, she said no. See, things between Sam and I have become very complicated. When I moved out, I've been living at her place for few weeks and I guess that changed everything. So maybe it's a good thing that we are not dating, although I'd still like to. 

   I took me a lot of guts to actually ask her that, even though I'm not asking her out directly and it kind of sends her the message that I'm still interested in dating her. I am actually glad I asked her because now I know where we stand right now. It's better to know even though it hurts than wondering forever what the answer would've been. 

   So, another rejection. My love life has never seen a happy ending. And I was hoping Sam was the one for me but things happen and once again, I got to forget about it and move on and keep telling myself that there's a lot more girls out there.

   I did have a lot of fun with Sam though, and made some good memories. I just hope that nothing changes now that I asked her that because she still is a very good friend of mine and I would hate to see myself losing her because of that. 

   How about some beers tonight? I think that's a good idea. I got about 2/3 of 24 pack I bought on the weekend still sitting in my room. Why not?

   PS. I won the bet. I win $5. Yay.

1 is a Lonely Number

   A very unproductive and sad weekend it was. I absolutely did nothing on friday other than picking up my paycheque from AMJ and went to West Edmonton Mall to buy some games. I just felt lazy all day on friday. 

   Saturday wasn't too bad. Started off with the day pretty bad though by going to work late. My alarm went off at 6:30am then I decided to sleep extra half an hour but then when I woke up it was 7:40am. My shift was supposed to start at 8am. I went out to my car and my windshield was all frozen so I had to sit there for another 10 minutes to warm my car up and defrost my windshield. I was only 15 mins late and nobody was mad at me so all was good. Our job was a really short one so it only took us 6 hours to finish the job. I was happy about that but wasn't so happy about it at the same time because of money. I got home around 4, made supper, then gamed all night. I did want to go out and drink but I couldn't think of anyone that might want to come with me so I decided to get myself a 24 pack and drink at home. I drank 4 last night.

   Today wasn't much better either. I woke up at about 2pm, went to the hockey rink to hang up the jerseys, then skated around for about an hour and I've been home ever since, gaming and eating. Well, at least it was better than saturday and friday since I actually went out and did something.

   I definitely could've asked Sam to hang out with me this weekend, but for some reason, I have a really hard time asking her to hang out now. I just feel bad afterward I don't know why. Or I could've asked Jessica to hang out with me but she's semi sick right now and I know she doesn't go out when she's sick so there's no point in trying. I really wish I had friends who lives close to me right now. I don't want to drive all the way to Sherwood Park to hang out with someone. I would if I had enough gas money but I don't so I can't.

   Well, I did get some good news from Sam though, well good for me at least. It seems like she's almost made her mind about Travis. Honestly, I really don't want her to date this guy just because I'm super jealous, but deep down, I'd totally be okay with that if that's what she wants to do. This is perfect. I actually made a little bet with Shay, the girl I work with at the hockey rink, that if I don't talk to Sam/ask her out by the 8th of November, I'd lose $5 and vice versa. 8th is Tuesday and I'll be seeing her tomorrow, which is monday so all I got to do is man up and talk to her NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. If I don't see her tomorrow, then I'm going to phone her. I really want to get this over with. I've already been dragging this for too long.

   I have a feeling that I'll be heartbroken once again. At least I'll win $5, right? But is that worth it? Probably not.

Love Story

   I just watched a movie called The Secondhand Lions tonight. It was one of the movies Sam lent me to watch and since I had a day off from work tonight, I thought I'd watch it. It was a one good damn movie. I loved it. See, when you look at its cover, it's really not one of those movies that grabs your attention and say, wow that looks like a really good movie, but it really was a really good film.

    Now, I couldn't help but notice, why is it that there's always some sort of love stories in every movies? You know, normally I'd be okay with it, in fact I know it kind of sounds gay but I love movies with love stories, especially chick flicks. I enjoy watching them quite a lot actually. The love story in this one was fairly minor I found, but I just could not stand it. I guess I'm living without my family now and me falling for Sam has a lot to do with it. 

   I look back in the past, and I truly have been heartbroken so many times. There would be a girl I really like every year, and I fall for them and when I do ask them out or try to go further than just friendship, I get totally rejected, and when I don't go for any of that, I beat myself up for not trying, or get scared of rejection. My love life has never reached a happy ending so far in 20 years of my life. Sam definitely is the closest one I should say. And yet, we are still friends. 

    Sam definitely is one of the closest female friend I have at the moment and I really wish I could date her right now. I really do. I realized I'm the happiest when I'm with her. That means something, right? Yet again, I am very scared to ask her out or even tell her how I feel about her because I am very scared of getting rejected, and I really do not want to lose her as my friend. Should I risk that and ask her? Or just stay as a friend? If I choose to just stay as friends, then I know for sure that I'll beat myself up for not doing anything about it. I am already getting there. As of right now, I am still going to tell her how I feel about her even though there's a really good chance that she will break my heart. But then again, you'd never know unless you try. Maybe good things will happen and there could be a happy ending to my little love life. 

   Actually, I have been trying to tell her for weeks now and I keep making excuses and don't do anything about it. It's probably not the first time you've read about this on my blog. With the situation like this, I really have nothing else to lose. Now let's actually man up and get this over with.

Dropping Out Of the Race

   Not surprisingly, I have done very poorly on my latest 2 midterms. The 2 courses I'm taking right now should've been a GPA booster but it seems like that won't be the case anymore. I have thought about this for a while now and I think it's time to drop out of university and take a year or two off. 

   What happened? I was so motivated and pumped up for this year during the summer but it seems like all the unfortunate events has happened to me at the wrong time. First of all, having my grandma passing away a week before school started and at the end of our Europe trip definitely did not help. I have never had anyone passing away in my life before so it was my first time experiencing a death in our family. It was very overwhelming. Unpleasant as well. So that's how I started my school this year. Not a very good start. Then everything just started going downhill after that. The conflict with me and my mom has gotten worse and we both got tired of each other so I got kicked out/moved out of my house. It also happened at they wrong time of the semester because that when all the midterms were going on. Without my own place and my own transportation, it was very difficult for me to study. In the end, here I am with 2 classes this semester, failing both of them. 

   It sounds like a one huge excuse for not doing well in school, but it really isn't. If you were in my shoes, you'd totally understand. Especially now that I don't even have enough money for next semester, I think my best option is to take the rest of the year off, at least, then think carefully what I want to do in next september. If I continue on and still do bad, there will be no post secondary education for me. I ain't working at AMJ forever. I should be able to do better than that.

   I finally get a day off from working tonight. Yes, I have been working every day since sunday. Well, sunday and tuesday were training days but I got paid for that so technically I did work. Well, at least I have decent jobs that will keep me alive, right? I think I'm going to spend the night with some movies that Sam lent me earlier this week. Or, I asked Jessica if she wanted to hang out tonight after her work so we will see what she says about that.

    My life seems like it's going nowhere.

+/-

   It seems like it's only been a week since I moved out, but it's actually almost been a month already, and yet, I'm don't feel different, or even changed anything about myself or my life at all. Although, there's been a lot of ups and downs to this though. 

   Positive: I'm actually enjoying my life quite a lot right now. I don't have to deal with all the drama with my family, I get to sleep in, and stay up late and no one would give a shit about it, I can eat whatever I want, I can do whatever I want, and I can go out whenever I want. I actually feel great, well mentally, because I didn't think I could live on my own, but turned out, I can actually cook meals, not very good but it's good enough for me, and do the laundry on time, and mostly, I have job that keeps me alive. I'm pretty proud of myself for that. I do need to work on few stuff though. But it's going good so far. I'm enjoying it.

   Negative: Because I stay up so late, I have hard time waking up in the morning. Usually when it gets cold out, I hate getting up in the morning or even get out of my bed, but it seems like it's getting worse. I missed few classes already and even missed one or two of my shifts too. It's really not a good habit. Also, I'm new to this whole moving out/living alone thing so I'm still not really used to it, especially with feeding myself. I didn't know how to cook at all, or even done a grocery shopping. Thankfully Sam has been helping me out with that but I really wish I knew how to cook and shop. It would've been a lot easier. I didn't realize living alone can get very lonely. All my friends are living in Sherwood Park right now and I really don't  feel like driving all the way down there to see them for a couple hours. Every once a while, I miss my family a little bit even though we don't get along very well, but they are still my family. I just hope that they know the real reason why I did this. 

   It seems like I have more negative things to talk about rather than positive things. Like I mentioned I'm still trying to get used to this whole thing so I think I might need more time to adjust. They were right. This isn't easy, but I'm taking it as a challenge.

   Oh, apparently I got a red light ticket in the mail. WTF!!! I don't ever run a red light. I got a copy of it and I looked at it and it was such a bullshit. I was making a right turn! It doesn't even make sense. I'm a little upset about that but I'll try to come up with something so I can fight it. Who gets a frigging red light ticket making a right turn?! This town is fucked up, sir.

   I've been working quite a lot lately too. This is my 3rd shift already this week. Well, 2 to be exact. I had to come here to train a new employee for about an hour and I got paid for that so I guess I did work. I have to work again tomorrow, and I'm thinking on friday as well at AMJ, and then back at AMJ on saturday for sure. I've been thinking, maybe on my fall break, I should work seeing that I have nothing better to do and need money. I think that's a good idea.

  

Good Times

   Despite the fact that I'm still sick and all, I actually had a lot of fun this weekend. I had a movie night on friday. We watched Black Swan and Butterfly Effect. Both were absolutely amazing. I was so into it, I couldn't take my eyes off of it, and even go to the washroom. It was that amazing. I'd definitely watch them again. Both were kind of messed up movies, but it was a good kind of messed up. It's hard to explain, but I loved it.

   Then I had to work yesterday. It wasn't too bad. We worked at the new Epcor Centre, and we were to unload a 53 footer tractor trailer and a 5 ton, and it was so easy. We were laughing. It was full of cabinets, so all I had to do was unwrap everything. Kind of a boring job, but I'll take it. I got paid to cut stuff so it was all good. So ya, I had a pretty decent 7 hour shift. I kind of wished it was a little longer than that, but on the weekend like this weekend, I really really didn't want to work, even though I really need money. At least I made some so I'm happy with that.

   Immediately after I got home from work, I went straight to Stony Plain, again. I went bowling with Sam and her friends from work. I talked about this last night so I'm not going to talk about it again. Anyways, after that we went to a bar in Stony Plain. Before we went there, Sam warned me about how this bar gets sketchy and honestly, that didn't really scare me at all. I don't ever get scared from sketchy bars. All you got to do is stay cool and not start shit, which is what I always do. It was a fairly interesting bar. Hard to explain why and how, but it was different from any other bars in Sherwood Park, or Edmonton. I actually really liked it. The drinks were actually really cheap. I think I only had about $50 on me and I came back with about $8 and I was fairly drunk. I should go to this bar more often haha.

   Okay, so, I went to the bar with an empty stomach, which is always a bad idea, and I drank quite a bit. I think I had 2 jagger bombs, 2 tequila shots, 2 tequila slime, and 2 broken down golf carts. So I think that's quite a bit, and I was fairly drunk but I wasn't at the point where I was about to puke and have upset stomachs and whatnot. Plus, I remember having about 3-4 cigarettes while I was there. I felt totally fine. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

    Another week gone, another one coming up. Let's make it another good one.

Good old life

I miss Sherwood park a little bit right now. I miss all my friends. I miss everything about it. That is all.

Jealousy

It's always been one of my least favourite features about me. I get jealous really really easily. I guess it's a good thing at one point, you know getting jealous when someone does something really good, especially academic wise, but that's really not the case for me. I do get jealous when my friends do well on exams and whatnot, but when I get jealous, it's usually over friends and especially girls.

It probably doesn't seem very attracted to girls do I tend to hide it from them and usually keep it inside me and I get all upset about it and whatnot. It's probably not the healthiest thing to do but i do it anyway.

Sam and I went bowling with her friends just now and on the way back, we had a little conversation and I really wasn't too happy about it. Sure, it was an interesting conversation but I got too jealous. Honestly, it really shouldn't be that big of a deal and I feel like I'm making a huge deal out of it. I am a little upset now. Oh well, we are going to the bar now and I'm going to drink a lot and I really hope that makes me feel better.

Maybe this is a sign that I should stop hanging out with her because every time, after we hang out, I always feel like shit. I don't know, we will see what happens after a while.

Good Life

   I finally moved out from Sam's apartment and I got to say, it feels good and bad at the same time. It feels good, because I found my own place to live and because of that, there's one less person to worry about at Sam's place. I feel a little bad, because I lived there pretty much for free, and I've been having a lot of fun with Sam and her family while I was there. I sure will miss them.

   I found this place I'm living at right now on the weekend and I was lucky enough to move in right away. I was able to borrow a 5 ton truck from AMJ Campbell, thanks to my boss, Todd, and I had 2 good friends, Jessica and Sam, who were willing to help me out with my move. Without them, this whole thing would've been almost impossible, especially without Sam. I can't thank her and her family enough for letting me stay at their place until I find my own place to live. Thanks guys.

   It's been 3 days now and I think it's been pretty good. It's really close to the U of A so I get a little bit of sleep, although I was almost late this morning, and I get a little exercise by walking to school now, which is good, because I wanted to start running/walking more, and it will save me some gas. So that's always good. On my first day here, I had a little bit of trouble with food, and I asked Sam to help me and she was very helpful. She gave me all the tips to save money and eat right and even cooked a dinner for me! It was really nice of her. Now that I think about it, I would not know what to do with my life without her. I'm not saying that whenever I have problems or issues, I'm going to rely on Sam to solve everything for me, but what I'm trying to say is, is that I have a friend who can help me when I need help. Other than that, I've unpacked almost everything and I got to say, it looks pretty good. It looks a lot like my old room though. It's good to sleep on my own bed again but I still got to get used to the fact that I'm not in my old room anymore lol. Only time will tell I guess.

   I deposited my cheque from AMJ and it's been almost a week and it still hasn't gone through yet. Like it's there but it's not. I never had this problem before with my cheques but oh well, I guess I'll wait a couple more days then see what happens. I have to pay off my credit card bill. It's almost $400.

   What should I do this weekend?? I'm free on friday night, and I'm working on saturday and maybe sunday. Hmmm.

Good Luck

   Finally my life seems like it's going the right path. It all started with my paycheques this week. I got paid $400 by the Campus Rec, which is about $100 more than I expected, and I got paid about $250 by the AMJ Campbell Van Lines. I didn't get paid for my sunday's work, but I'd say it's still pretty decent, and plus it'll be on my next paycheque so all is good. So all together, my income for this week was about $650. It's not the greatest income, but I can definitely live with that. After I pay for my rent and damage deposit (yes, I will talk about that in a bit), I'll still have about $500 extra money to spend. Everything seems like it's going the right way now.

   I didn't really get a chance to look for a place to live this week, until about friday actually. I responded to about 5 of them and 4 of them actually replied back and they told me that the rooms they were renting out was still available. That's a good news, but the question is, how many people have already looked at it and was interested? The very first one I looked at was the same thing. Someone was interested but he/she replied to the ad first so that's why I didn't get that place. Anyways, I looked at one last night and it was pretty decent. It was on south side of Edmonton, it's a little far from school and work, but it really wasn't a problem since I have a car, and I probably won't get that place because they had about 3 other people look at the place and said they'll pick one that they like. Honestly, I don't think I left a good impression to them and I haven't heard from them yet so I kind of gave up on that one. I looked at 2 other ones today. One was on north side of Edmonton. It's not that bad. I thought the tenant was totally a guy, but turned out it was a 19 year old girl. The place looked nice and clean but she said she was kind of a stoner. That didn't really bother me at all, but it's probably a good idea to stay away from that kind of stuff. If she still wants me as a roommate, I'd do it. Why not? And the last one I looked at today was probably the best one. Well, best one of the week. It was on University Ave, which is about 2 blocks away from the U of A, and also 2 blocks away from Whyte Ave, where everything is. The roommate seemed pretty nice. She's a middle aged woman and she seemed a little strict about certain things but oh well, I think as long as I show some respect and follow the rules, there is going to be no problem at all. I decided to take that one. It will be $400 a month including everything. The room seemed a little small so when I move all my stuff in there, it will be a little crowded but oh well, I got a place to sleep now. I'm going to try to pick up the key tomorrow and hopefully I can have the truck from work sometime this week.

   When I told Sam about that, she was kind of joking about how she just got used to having me around. That made me smile. It's kind of funny, because I started to get used to living here with her and her family, but honestly, I can't live here forever. I wish I could though, but seeing that this apartment is fairly small for 4 people and whatnot, it's best for me to leave here as soon as possible. It's been a great 2-3 weeks though. I really got along with Sam's family, and I made new friends here in Stony Plain too, well kind of. Anyways, I'm going to miss living here. I definitely should stop by once a while.

   Well, that solved one problem, and I have another problem that needs to be solved right away. I've been wanting to have a little talk with Sam for the longest time, but I couldn't because I'm living with her right now and I didn't want her to get all upset and I didn't want things to get too awkward. Now that I found a place to live, maybe it's a good idea to talk to her. Although, I still think it's a bad idea, considering our friendship may or may not be on the line. She's like my best friend now and I really don't want to lose her as a friend just because I wanted to go a little further than that. BUT, if I don't do anything about it, I'll always be wondering what her reaction would've been. Hmm, this is a tough one. Wonder what it could've been like for forever? Or risk our friendship? Both sounds terrible to me. I don't know what I want. I guess only time will tell. Hopefully.

I'll Find Someone Like You

   Well, I really got nothing to say today. It looks like my blog is kind of going dry but I don't usually skip blogs during school year so I guess I still have to post this. 

   Today seemed really pointless. I went to my only class of the day and it only lasted half an hour, which was kind of good but sucked at the same time. It was good because it ended early, and it sucked because I had to go to school for that short class. But then again, it was a jersey washing day so that kind of made up for it. I got paid for that so that was good. 

   After that, we were on the way home and we decided to stop at this one restaurant and get some food. Oh my god. That place was amazing. It was very classic. I was told that it used to be a school back in the days, and now it's just a local museum and a restaurant. Everything was all old and whatnot and I loved it. It was pretty neat. Sam told me that their pies are really good so I thought I'd try one and holy crap, it was absolutely amazing. I was also told that all their foods are made from scratch so I think that kind of made it better. I'm glad we went there. I absolutely love places like that. I really do.

   I was supposed to look at this one apartment today, but unfortunately, the lady never phoned me back today and gave me her address and her number so I couldn't get a hold of her. Isn't that just great? I did find the address though, but not remembering her name did not help either. When I made an appointment with the person, I didn't realize I was working today at 6:30pm so I had to get Jessica to cover my shift for me for the first hour and I told her that I'd give her half of my shift which was 3 hours. I was only 10 minutes late but oh well, I promised her, and she took her time to cover it for me. Good thing it was only a O35 night though. O35 nights are the most easiest shift ever. You literally don't do anything. So all 3 of us, me, Jessica, and Shay, just sat down and talked the whole time. It was pretty fun. 

   Oh, Aly texted me today. I was fairly surprised. I haven't talked to her for about 2 and a half weeks now. I would've texted her if none of this happened, meaning moving out and whatnot. But ya, it was really good to hear from her. I still have yet to met her and I really want to meet her see what she's really like. She sounds exactly like Jessica to me except she's a little younger. Oh well, maybe one day, I'll actually meet her. I really want to.

   Oh by the way, Sam's mom made me a couple turkey salad sandwiches for supper for me before I left for work, and oh my god, it was the best homemade sandwich I've ever had in my life. I love her food. They are absolutely amazing!

Keep On Rollin'

   It's been exactly a week since I moved out and it surprisingly went by really fast. It's definitely been a rough and heartbreaking week for sure, but really, when do I ever not have a week or even a day like that? It's really not easy to live somewhere I'm not used to live in but I'm surprised that I even survived a whole week without missing my own family or complained about anything. I guess that's the sign that I'm fairly well prepared for what's about to happen soon. Really, I'm not nervous or worried about anything. The only thing that worries me is that I don't want to live at Sam's place for too long. It feels like I'm a burden to them.

   Living at Sam's place is great. I really like her family, especially her mom. I get along with her pretty well most of the times, but sometimes I get this feeling that she doesn't really want me to be around her anymore, which is totally understandable. To be honest, I don't feel completely comfortable living there. It's not that I don't like them, that's for sure, but seeing half of my stuff at her house, and not being very helpful towards all the house works and whatnot just makes me feel really really bad. Plus, Sam's mom has been having back problems for the longest time, and I understand that it's not easy to raise 2 kids like that and now she has to deal with me too so that does not make things easier one bit at all. I am trying my best to help her out with the house work and keep it clean as much as possible and I hope she sees that.

   I will be having a supper with my family tonight. I wouldn't mind that at all. My dad is going back to Europe on thursday and I honestly have no idea when I'll ever see him, especially since I moved out. So I'm kind of glad I'm doing this. I was just going to give him a call tomorrow night but this is better I suppose. Plus, my dad said there's something he wanted to give me so I HAVE to see him tonight. So ya, we will see what happens tonight. If they ask me to move back in, I know what to say so we will see.

   I found this apartment a while ago and I checked it out yesterday and I'm not sure if I liked it or not. The building was pretty old, I didn't really like the owner (he seemed a little rude and unfriendly) and rent seemed a little high. Although, I did find another apartment. This one is a 2 bedroom apartment and and a single 26 year old lady is living there by herself. I talked to her on the phone last night and she seemed like a pretty cool person. She sounded really friendly and nice. I'll be checking out that apartment tomorrow so I hope I get that one. I never thought looking for a place to live would've been this hard but that's how the life is; it's never easy. Never.

   I remember, at the end of last year during the final exams, Jen lived at my house for about 4-5 days and I absolutely hated it. I wanted to leave so bad. And when she left, I was so relieved but then I was kind of mad at her at the same time. I have never talked to her since. I really hope Sam doesn't feel that way about me. I kind of got a hint that she really doesn't want me around her anymore for some reason, I don't know why. If she really feels that way, I don't blame her because I've been in the same situation as this before, except it's completely the other way around. I just hope that she doesn't stop talking to me after I move out of her apartment. I can already see the friendship between me and her is already changing. In a bad way. But what do I know? 

   I'm posting this at CAB at the U of A right now and I'm seeing a lot of couples walking by me. I look at their faces (that kind of sounds creepy but anyways), and they are laughing and smiling with each other. They look like the happiest people to me. I want that feeling again. I want to just hold hands and walk around for hours and just talk and joke around. That always put a smile on my face and I miss that a lot. It feels like it's been so long since I had that feeling. Especially what I've been through this week, it seems like it's been even longer. I want to know what that feels like again. I want some happiness in my life.

Ahh Good Old AMJ Campbell Van Lines

   Unlike other weekends, this weekend has been very productive for me. Ever since the school started I've been working at AMJ Campbell on weekends and it's always been short jobs. We did a job at the Manulife Place and the Bell Tower yesterday and it was definitely one of the biggest jobs I've done so far at AMJ. I can feel what the job is going to be like and how long it will take to finish the job from the equipment we take from the shop. We took about 13 stacks of dollies (there are 7 dollies for each stack), and 6 computer carts and 2 screen carts and 3 chair bins. On top of that, we were supposed to have 9 truck loads. That is a lot. As much as I hate working there more than 8 hours a day, I was still pretty excited because that means my next paycheque will look very good. The job went pretty slow for the first half of the day because it was so unorganized and people were doing different things every half an hour. Anyways, we went through 5 truck loads by 3 pm, which isn't too bad. Then my supervisor, Larry, decided to shut it down at 5:30 pm and finish the job the next day, which was today.

   I honestly didn't mind that. Sure, I'll get a lot of OTs but I prefer to do a big job like that in 2 days. I showed up at the Bell Tower at 8:30 am and that did not last long at all. 2 guys who does Capital Power shifts showed up and asked for the truck but the problem was, one of them has never drove a 5 ton truck before, and the other one is a driver but doesn't know how to drive standard. So I volunteered to drive 206 to Epcor Centre. Now that was a gong show. The elevator broke down, people at Bell Tower needed a truck back but we needed it too, and the 2 supervisors were going at it withe each other. It was pretty bad. But I got a good 8 hours today there so I didn't really care. 

   I thought about it today, and it's been a really long time since I drove one of our work trucks. I think it's been about a month. I think I am definitely getting better at it though, but I still have troubles every once a while. For example, I stalled my truck 3 times at the same spot today. 3 frigging times. Can you believe that? I think I'm pretty good with everything else, I\m getting better at backing up the truck and whatnot, but going uphill in a standard truck is something I got to work on. I'm so scared that it might roll back and hit something or someone behind me. That's why I stalled it actually. Good times. It was embarrassing. 

   So I was texting Sam quite a lot while we were at work, and she talked about Travis at one point and I actually found out quite a lot about them two. Honestly, I'm not sure what I should say or do about that right now. It just seems way too complicated. I was just texting her now too and she told me that she's going to be with Travis tonight and I honestly don't know how I feel about that. I really don't. Yes, of course I am jealous. I've always been a type of person who gets jealous really easily but never show that to people, and I do have feelings for her so that doesn't help either. 

   Although, I have been thinking about this lately, and it kind of hurts me to say this, but I can't really see myself dating her right now. And even if we do end up dating each other, I know it won't happen for a long time, but IF we do, I can't really see myself being a good boyfriend to her. Especially after what she's done for me, it's even harder for me to ask her out. She's been a very good friend to me, and still is, and I can honestly say I'm more than happy with that. I really wish I knew what she's thinking right now. It'll make things a lot easier. Why can't life be nice and simple?

   I am so tired right now. I've been working since 8:30 this morning and I won't be in bed till about midnight. I'm happy that I'm finally getting some decent hours but it's really hard to readjust after 2 months after my last full time shift. I'm looking at this apartment tomorrow and I'm really hoping that I get it. Fingers crossed.

New Family

   It's been approximately 4 days since I moved into Sam's apartment. I am getting used to living here since everyone has been so nice to me but I also feel really bad about staying here at the same time. I could have moved out by this weekend, but I guess some things just don't go the way you always want.

   I looked at this room near University of Alberta campus. It was literally 7-8 blocks away from there and about 5 blocks away from Jessica's house. It was perfect. Close to school, close to LRT station, and bus stations, close to Whyte ave, even though that's not really a good thing, but it would've entertained me a little bit. The house itself was a little dirty/not well maintained but the room was pretty roomy but unfortunately the person looked at it after me took the room because apparently he replied to the ad before me. That crushed me. I felt so good after looking at it, but not even half an hour later I get a news that the other guy took it. I was looking forward to leave this place (not because I don't like staying here, it's just that I feel like everyones' lives are now revolves around me now) and move into a new place and actually start a new life. Well, I got to keep look for it. I don't want to be staying here too long. I feel bad about it every day.

   You know how when something bad happens at one point, and like 20 other bad things happen after that? That happened to me yesterday. I went to work yesterday, and the first 2 games at the Campus Rec hockey games were women's game and I hate women's game because they take so many equipment out and a lot of them complain about the size and whatnot. Anyways, ended up working there alone for like couple hours because the person who was supposed to work with me never showed up. I would've gave someone a call but it's just been so busy I didn't even get to call anyone. On top of that, the referees didn't show up till like the last minute. It was pain in the ass. I was getting so mad I wanted to call someone and just start to bitch at them. But I didn't. I don't do that. It makes me look bad and I don't do things that makes me look bad. Anyways, someone did end covering for that person so it wasn't so bad. 

   So ya, yesterday was definitely not a good day. It was one day I've been looking forward to and hoping that my plans would work out, but it never did. It was exact opposite. But of course, Sam made me feel better. A lot better.

   Today wasn't so different either. I was way too tired to do anything today, and I think all this is finally hitting me. I started to feel it a little bit. It's really affecting my academic performance too. I used to know so much about anatomy but the midterm went bad and I couldn't remember anything during the lab exam today. It made me really upset.

   My dad wanted me to call him. I didn't want to at first because I was scared that he might yell at me for something, but I called him anyway because I really had nothing else to lose. Well, I got a good news out of that. First he asked me how I was doing and whatnot, then he asked me if I wanted to take the car with me and have it under my name. It was very nice of him, because I really needed my own vehicle and I felt terrible about Sam driving my ass everywhere all the time even though I'm paying for the gas. So I will be picking it up tonight. 

   I feel a lot better now because of that, and Sam's family has been really nice to me lately. They are doing their best to help me out, things like providing me with a place to sleep, they feed me and they are even helping me find a place to live. I know I've already said this billion times, but they are saving my life right now and I can't thank them enough. I really hope that I can find a place to live soon. Hopefully by next weekend at the latest. Please god help me!